No Buko, No Pie

Relationship Advice for my Guy Friends

My Facebook status at 11:45pm:

Nabo-bore ako. Magtanong naman kayo sa akin ng problema sa relationship. Di ko nga lang pinapangako ang matinong payo…

Pwede ring hindi matino ang tanong nyo.


Maybe I was just really sleep-deprived at this point…so were my guy friends,


Doc mahal kaya niya ako? Hahaha – Cocoy


1. Is she real?

2. Does she know you exist?

3. Nag-uusap kayo?

Kung ang sagot sa tatlo ay yes, then may posibilidad na mahal ka nya kung hindi pa. Ang payo ko sa ‘yo: kumuha ka ng sample ng buhok nya (masipag ka naman e) at ilagay sa ilalim ng unan mo para mapanaginipan ka nya. Pag gising nya, mahal ka na nya. Works 8 out of 10 times.


Doc, saan ba nakakabili ng washing machine na pambabae lang? Sawang sawa na ako maglaba ng damit naming mag asawa eh. – Geoff

Geoff, it does not exist. Pang-lalake lang talaga. Pero parang hindi ito pang-relationship advice. BUT dahil kaibigan kita, ito ang payo ko: bigyan mo sya ng isang dosenang brand new hangers. Tapos lagyan mo ng message na “I MISS HANGING OUT WITH YOU.”

Di ka man makakuha ng washing machine na pang-babae, sabay naman kayong maglalaba. Sorry, maglalaba ka pa rin. Works 9 out of 10 times.


May problema ako sa relationship ko sa bacon, pano ko sya ititigil? Nasisira na diet ko… – Pao

Maging ako ay ganyan. May bagong sundae sa Mc Donald’s na kahit isang buwan kong binabalikbalikan ay di ko pa rin matandaan ang pangalan. Parang choco dipped sundae na oreo-filled. Kung di ko maalala ang pangalan pero binabalikan ko sya kahit pasado hatinggabi, then it must be true love.

So don’t let that bacon go. True love happens once in a lifetime, but bacon can happen 3 times a day. Or even more. Then it must be greater than true love.

…oh, and bacon will stay in your heart forever.



Day 260-ish: The Dwarf and his Umbrella

Maximizing one's drink.

Maximizing one’s drink.

It was breakfast at a cafe. We were not in a hurry and we had not much to do that day. He was staring outside, probably waiting for what to do next.

“Ok, I’m going to give you something to solve. Afterwhich, you can ask me an unlimited number of questions answerable only by ‘yes’ or ‘no’ until you have figured out the answer to the riddle.”


“Steven goes to work on weekdays and his office is in the 26th floor. On holidays and some sunny days, he is only able to reach the 23rd floor, but on rainy days and most of his usual work days he can go to the 26th floor straight away. Why?”

And this launched a series of questions and answers that lasted an hour. He had his quiet times, triumphant times, and times when he looked as though he was getting frustrated. He had some good insights, amusing ones even, but he prevailed eventually.

The answer is that Steven is a dwarf, and on rainy days, he brings an umbrella. On the usual days, there are people who can help him press the 26th floor button. On holidays, and maybe even some sunny days, he is without any aid, hence, reaching only the 23rd floor.

There was a smile on his face and a warmth inside of me. We soaked a little more of the morning sunshine and the cafe before we got up and left. He was still smiling.

Today, I may very well be solving my own version of a dwarf and his umbrella and haven’t gone out of that cafe yet.

You’re reading this, I know.

Day 330: I am a supportive friend, not a shrink.


“I’m a mess, sis,” my cougar friend reports to me as soon as her tooch hit the couch. “On one hand, there’s my loyal husband (who’s not really her husband), and on the other is my boytoy.”

She didn’t say boytoy, but I was hoping she would. Boytoy he is a very dedicated boyfriend. While her husband is a very mild-mannered and faithful partner, Boytoy is young, fiery, and wild in the sack, which are exactly what’s lacking in her life. He also publicly displays his affection, calling for his “honey” when out in public with those booming vocals. She finds it very endearing and embarrassing at the same time. His work is not at par with her. Like I said, boytoy. Describing him as unrefined is an understatement. Contrast that with my friend who is very demure in her ways, is educated and successful. But these traits don’t figure in love.

Or should I say, addiction.

“If you had to make a choice where no one else would get hurt, who would you choose?”

With tears welling up and her hands trembling, she clearly stated Boytoy’s name.

My friend is a lost cause.

“I am rooting for hubby, but more important than that, I am rooting for your happiness. So pack up and leave. You are being kind by sparing your husband and grown kids the pain of being unfaithful, and the guilt that they are hurdles to you being happy. Cut hubby out cleanly and quickly, and start a new life.”

“…but I can’t do that!…”

“Of course you can! Imagine the happiness waiting for you on the other end! Just pack up and leave.”

She was visibly stunned. She remained unmoved for what seemed like hours as I poured my next cup of tea and drank in silence.

Like I said, I am rooting for hubby.