Day 12: I feel, I laugh
Yesterday after my taped interview, I went straight to the wall. It was the first time in more than a month where I climbed and came down happy. I felt so accomplished and so ecstatic that I kept climbing until my body told me it was enough.
I realized I need to re-build my endurance. The wall instructors were regaling at how my endurance was some months ago. I feel that fire again; I want everything back – my endurance, my balance, and to progress once more.
Today I got an unexpected call from my bro. He told me last month that his Christmas gift for me is a full tank. And so I got a wake-up call from him telling me that he’s on his way out of town in a few minutes and since he’s gotta give me my gift, we should go out and gas up.
This is the lasting image from the hilarious thought my brother had implanted in me. I know it's cute and it's happy, so let's leave it that way.
So that’s the story of how I got my butt off the mattress and got out of the loft before 10am without a meal in my tummy and a shower – a welcome break from my routine.
Luckily, he felt some hunger pangs, too. The next thing we know, we were having brunch at Mc Donald’s and dessert at Krispy Kreme.
My brother has always been the class clown. But during this long and happy conversation, he gave me an insight on how to attack a job
differently (and it was really good advice, too) and an image that made us laugh so hard we made so many heads turn our way. (I would share it with you if it were not too graphic.)
Laughter remains the best medicine.
Sadly, Cobra Starshp had to cancel on our afternoon coffee. That would have added icing to an already peachy day.
Day 11: Crumbling
I knew from the very first time I met Sailor Moon, we would hit it off. Last month, I had a feeling that there was a tinge of heartbreak when she mentioned her husband. I told her I have a feeling we have so many things in common in that arena. So today over lunch, she spilled everything.
I got stuck with one thing she said – that her husband had reasons for not having kids. To me, the reasons were shallow. It signalled that there is a red flag there. Having gone through discussions and different scenarios, I have once again arrived at the same conclusion – having kids won’t solve your problem…
…and that she probably needs to have an affair.
Even more fascinating was that she also thought that an affair will help.
In return for her openness, I told her the source of my depression.
Later that evening, 7-11 dude and I were catching up and he now sounded relieved and enlightened. He was thankful for the help I have given and gladly reported the epiphany he has had. And although the consequences of this epiphany meant the crumbling down of his relationship, he remains hopeful that someday they may still end with each other but with the right reasons. Staying together just isn’t the right solution.
I felt happy with his progress.
Which lead me to think: Why am I suddenly surrounded with friends whose marriages are falling apart?! What is the universe trying to tell me?
Day 10: The Value of Kids
A grandmother openly told the crowd that if there ever was something good that came out of her daughter’s marriage, it was her two grand kids.
In another part of the world, my friend Slipknot married his girl when he got her pregnant. After bringing forth 2 kids to the world, he admitted to me that he’s not happy with his marriage for some time already. The only reason he’s staying is to always be with his kids. He knows that she will run off with the kids and that he might never see them again if they go their separate ways. Asked what he intends to do, he told me that he probably will just wait until his kids are 18, then he will again seriously think of leaving her.
I found it enthralling that despite the difficulties that these marriages have been going through, it’s the love for their kids that’s holding them together. The parents fall in love with these kids as they grow older and they overlook their differences. But asked if it’s worth it, Slipknot replied that it’s just a matter of time until reality seeps back in and the lack of adoration for his wife will burst through like a big elephant in the room.
In the case of the grandmother and her grandkids, I found out very recently that the parents have had enough and are now getting a divorce.
Taking cue from these cases and from many cases we can relate to from our friends, it would seem as though that kids won’t solve the problem. In some cases, it even sounds selfish to have your own kids without having the right reasons. After the kids have grown up, it will be just you and your spouse. Similarly, taking cue from friends whose parents have separated, they felt there was no point staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids. If love has ceased to exist, the kids will feel it. Would that type of family structure be any better than growing up with single parents?
At my age, I already have friends who have gone through their first marriages, and I have friends who are going through the tribulations of a marriage falling apart. I marvel their courage and laud them for reaching their breakthroughs. The magnitude of my anxiety towards the consequences of their decisions are minimal to nil.
But just yesterday, Slipknot’s 8-year-old died of liver cancer. I’m worried.
Day 8: Pseudo-vertigo
I am drinking for the sole purpose of feeling how it is again to need an assistance to ambulate, or that I have to prop myself up against the wall and railings as I ascend to my bedroom because I have no sense of muscle coordination. I am curious how it is like again to be in a state of pseudo-vertigo where everything around me is constantly swirling. And I find it amusing how it’s like to once more convince those around you repeatedly that you are still fine, all the while doing your best to keep your head off the table because it suddenly had a tremendous affinity for the floor.
I swear, that’s my main goal – to be heavily inebriated just to recall how it feels.
However, those who know what I’m going through were concerned that I am drowning myself in alcohol while wallowing in self-pity or in misery. While that may be subliminally true, I am consciously diverting my thoughts away from the source of my dreariness. I am not the one who can solve this current predicament, and it also takes time to make itself clearer. Thinking about it and torturing myself by celebrating the confusion and heartache it has caused will not solve anything.
Having put aside those thoughts gave room for new ones – for serious thoughts, for happy thoughts, and new ideas that can inject some enthusiasm in my every day. And these are things I desperately need because having succumbed to melancholy has pulled me down and kept me out of focus.
I am determined to find my old self back.
***
I have already downed 1 vodka ice cruiser and I thought misery loves company. If I can’t be happy, no one can be. I mean it. But as I dissect this thought, I realized this is only applicable to two people playing tango with my life.
I could continue being miserable, but I would only be digging deeper into a pool of agony. Would I rather drown there or in a renowned amusement with the aftermath of alcohol?
You obviously figured out what I chose.
After a few raunchy episodes of Californication and at the end of my third bottle, I was in that limbo between the outposts of sobriety and possibly the first stages of mild intoxication – none of the physiological responses that I was looking forward to. At the end of that third bottle, gastritis kicked in and knocked me off the mild intoxication I was trying to penetrate.
So much for getting delirious. Epic fail.
Day 5: New Year, New Day
I spent some time on the phone with two colorful characters – Cobra Starship and 7-11 guy.
7-11 guy is my newfound friend. We’ve had some discussion on relationships and psychology. It was amazing to me that I can still enlighten some people – even though they are older and wiser – on some issues with relationships.
On the other hand, things with Cobra Starship are getting a little cheesy. I know the guy probably has had a crush on me for some time now, and I really appreciate him keeping some distance despite the fact that we feel we are kindred spirits. I say that because every conversation with him is so fluid, we can probably talk the whole day. I recall that he was a heartthrob, but given that, I am not in any way drawn to him. I feel good with the connection, but never was I comfortable with the thought of upgrading current status beyond the friend zone. I found myself being careful with my words so as not to mislead him into a parallel universe where it would seem as though I were interested.
I have to start putting Cobra Starship down. The last thing I want is a reversal by the universe – that wherein the universe will conspire to bring you towards someone whom you feel (somewhat) strongly against when it comes to the possibility of a relationship.
Day 4: Finding Value
On my 30th birthday, I was so anxious about getting old that one of my best friends tried to settle my anxiety with this – you don’t measure the quality of your life with the number of years you have been living; you measure it in love. It made sense to me that night. Unfortunately, I don’t even remember what it meant.
Perhaps I’m overthinking the message my friend wanted to impart. So I thought of the simple things that bear great meaning for me this past year:
- The time when Captain Barbel told some people that, “I’m alive because of her (me!).” And that before we parted ways, he whispered to me, “Thank you for saving my life.”
- Or when Snakegirl’s mom thanked me for saving her daughter’s life.
- When countless of adventure seekers thanked me and my team for an awesome weekend.
- When someone I respect told me I’m a newfound friend.
- A young producer exclaimed that “My doctor is so cool!”
- When so many of my colleagues were amused/impressed with my so-called talent with rapping.
- When I asked for some emotional uplifting, a friend told me,
“Im a contractor, busy paggawa ng bahay ng client ko.But then i got a notification na friend is requesting na pakiligin sya. So sabi ko sa mga tauhan ko, “Break time muna. i need a few minutes to remind a friend of mine that she’s special in many people’s lives”
………. Too bad, di ko natagalog. Di naintindihan ng mga tauhan ko. Pero sana naintindihan mo <kabibe> 
“
- Those times that I felt that my nurses gravitate towards me or run to me for support.
- The feeling that came over me when I was able to look over and take care of my team during a drunken night, all the while remaining sober through all those shots.
- Friends I haven’t seen in so long had successfully found me and re-connected with me.
We can all find love. We just need to learn to appreciate the little things to see that capsules of it have been in front of us all along.
Day 3: Rizal Day
If I had to extract some important life lessons from Rizal, it would be the following:
• You can be whatever you want to be, and there’s no better time to start than now.
• Fight for what you believe in.
• Travel and experience the world.
• Do not be afraid to be who you are.
• Learn – it’s never too late.
• Anybody can be a hero.
• Unleash your inner playboy and enjoy life to the fullest.
Day 2: Guarded
I have been meaning to recall how it feels like to get buzzed.
Although I have started a little group of three called DGD (Drink & Get Drunk, a sub-group of Drink & Be Merry), the last that I got really buzzed was months ago. When the group reunited a few weeks back, I was a little guarded with my alcohol and I don’t remember why. I guess I just feel safe getting drunk in a house where I can comfortably puke in a private bathroom and lie down in a freshly made bed. Unfortunately, the triumvirate hasn’t resumed our weekly activities because two of them have been travelling much for work.
And so enters an invitation from my colleagues. Mother Goose has been asking to go out two nights ago to celebrate the year. (Honestly, I felt there was an underlying reason for a “celebration,” but that’s a different story.) Because I was anticipating I would get buzzed last night, I asked two of mah friends to pick me up and bring me home.
Sadly, we only had one drinking game, I downed just one bottle of Gilbey’s Premium, and the group decided they wanted to cap the night off at Il Mercati eating the night away.
On my way to drunken bliss...not
Although I was laughing and the group was enjoying my drinking game and my road trip game with music blasting in the background, I have to admit there was still a small pang of un-satisfaction. But these things aren’t to be rushed, right?
Earlier that day, I opened up to Luke Skywalker about what’s been bothering me. It was liberating to finally admit my faults and my pain. He could relate to it because he went through something similar. Maybe it is the start of a good friendship.
I don’t know why I feel so guarded. I can easily open up to some people and remain guarded with some. Is that really restricting me from being happy?
Before that phone call with Luke Skywalker, I had a heartfelt discussion with 7-11 dude. We have bonded during happy times, but this time we bonded over more personal matters. It was now his turn to pour his heart out on the headaches and heartaches that have been plaguing his life at the moment. He has alternately been braving through and breaking down. It appeared that he was unaffected with the fact that he was opening up to someone younger, or that this was the first time he broke down his barriers and revealed his self for the first time. And for that, we felt a stronger bond between us.
Maybe I should follow in Luke and 7-11′s footsteps. Maybe I should be less guarded.
Maybe that’s why I wanted to get drunk in the first place – to bring down those barriers
Day 1: Walking away
I am not myself the past few weeks. And for the first time in more than a month, I finally started to think like a doctor when I realized that there is a problem.
I am rock bottom. The good news, though, is that there is no where else to go but up. So that’s what I’m going to do – and I’m going to do it a day at a time.
This may not start off as pretty, nor happy, nor inspiring as this used to be. But I guess it would be nice to see me leave this phase, pick up the pieces, and find me.
